Saturday, June 30, 2012

I'll just send myself to the box truck, baby!

Every once in a while, someone (usually someone who doesn't spend much time around me) will ask when I'm going to go on a cake show. The people who spend time around me every day don't ask this question. They know there's enough crazy on tv already.

Cake Boss: The Next Great Baker is currently accepting applications for season 3. I looked over the application, and... wow.

To illustrate why I have no business on television, here are some of my favorite questions from the application and my answers:

"Any other names you have been known by?" Really? You want to know that my mom used to call me by my brothers' names when she was talking too fast?

"If you are selected as a contestant, what name would you go by?" Ooooohh.... I pick... Stacy. No, wait. Stacie. More exotic.

"Describe your family & living situation. With whom do you live?" Since when does Buddy Valastro have such good grammar? "With whom"? Really?

"Would you be available to leave home for approximately 5-8 weeks in (approximately) mid-August 2012 until early-October 2012?"  Yes! I can leave now. You guys are going to send someone to clean my house and paint the kitchen while I'm gone, right? Perhaps that Ty Pennington fellow is available. 

"How much of TLC’s The Cake Boss have you seen?
_____None _______A few episodes here and there
______A full season _______Never missed an episode
______Other (please explain):____________________" What could "Other" possibly mean here? I'd be tempted to write "What's the Cake Boss?".

"Complete this sentence: If I were an ingredient, I would be ________"  Really? Ummm... I'll say, I would be... imitation awesome extract.

"What is your all-time favorite ingredient and why?" Based on your last question, I'm going to say me.

"What is your unique “Baking/Culinary Point of View”?"  1st person?

"What is your favorite topic of conversation in a social setting?" Talking animals and surgery. Oh, and things my dog has thrown up. Also, how much I love to vacuum (really) and philosophical questions like, "What if you could fly but you had to pee out your nose? Would you do it?"

"What topics are off limits?" Apparently not much.

"How would your toughest critics describe you?"  I'll say... in hushed tones over a camp fire.

"What about you and your background would make you a good contestant on the show?" This show? Nothing. Dateline? Just about everything.

"What styles of baking turn you off and why?" "Styles of baking"? Ummm... I'll say... naked baking. Just a bad idea all around.

"Please list any skills from above you don’t have experience doing and explain the details:"  WHAT??? Like... origami and sheep herding? What details do you want? If I don't know how to do something, how detailed can I be? You know, questions like this explain how the Kardashians got on the air.

"What are your top 3 ORIGINAL baking/ingredients/decorating tips that demonstrate your 
baking/cooking knowledge? (Be specific, give us information, and teach us something. This is a chance for you to show us what you’ve got)."  Hey! He's trying to steal my know-how! Hands off, Valastro!  

"The series may involve challenges which may be stressful and/or involve rigorous physical activity, such as heavy lifting, running, and/or climbing.  Do you have any mental or physical conditions or have had any surgery that could interfere with your participation on the show in the event such demanding activities are required? If so, please explain in detail:" How much time do you have? 

"Have you ever had a temporary or permanent restraining order placed against you or has anyone tried to obtain a temporary or permanent restraining order against you? If yes, please provide details, including, without limitation, date(s), place(s), name(s) of the party seeking temporary or permanent restraining order. Whether it was issued and the basis upon which it was issued:" Now I really want to audition just so I can ask the producers what happened that led to this question being included on the application. 

No, really. Those are the real questions. Here's the link:

So...if YOU were an ingredient, what ingredient would you be?


  1. You need to modify one answer: "How would your toughest critics describe you?" I'll say... in hushed tones over a CAULDRON. Because I would think witches would be your toughest critics, or vice-versa.

    1. True. If I've had one witch tell me they have a better recipe for brew, I've had 100.